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Zašto je Kirk bolji od Picard-a

100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
98. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
97. One Word: Hair.
96. Another word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-Wig.
95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
89. Two words: Shoulder Roll.
88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."
86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
84. Kirk, almost singlehandedly, re-popualted the Earth's whale population.
83. Kirk say "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
82. Kirk knows 20th century curses.
81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
80. Kirk ate little colored cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off -- even around those pesky
76. Kirk would never waste a Holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
74. One word: Velour.
73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at chess.
72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing 
71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, 
Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor ever now and then.
69. One word: Iman.
68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down its 
66. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out 
of intergalacic scrapes.
62. Two words: Funky Sideburns.
61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
60. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
59. Kirk is not politically correct.
58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named 
after a letter in the alphabet.
57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. 
56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.
55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me 
up Scotty" then? See the difference?
54. One Word: Miniskirts.
53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.
51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some whimpy instrument like the 
50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly 
translated as "GO F*CK YOURSELF."
48. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
47. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
46. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
44. Picard hasn't met Joan Collins.
43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
42. Picard hasn't father any children; Kirk -- probably millions.
41. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
40. Two Words: Line Delivery.
39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with
his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself 
through school.
38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, 
charcoal, and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we
say more?)
36. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
31. One Word: Fisticuffs.
30. Kirk's name is hated throughtout the galaxy.
29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.
28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for
25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
21. Kirk's bridge in no beige.
20. Two Words: Crane Shots.
19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.
18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute 
things, like Tribbles.
17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice.
16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to call
him "four eyes."
13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.
11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard 
doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
10. Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on 
shore leave.
9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he means it.
6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick.
5. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even 
3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
1. One Word: Balls.

You know a member of StarFleet is a redneck when:

His shuttle craft has been up on blocks for over a month
He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
He refers to Klingons as "Critters"
He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil
He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
He hangs fuzzy dice over the view screen
He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"
He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
He sets the foreword view screen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
His idea of a dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
He sets his phaser to "Cajun"


What if Data was Microsoft compatible

WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.

PICARD: On screen.

[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.]

PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?

DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?

PICARD: Make it so.

[The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.]

PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.

DATA: Aye, sir.

[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]

WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!

PICARD: Shields up!

DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.

PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want those shields up *right now*.

DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.

LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.

[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]

DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans.

[LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]

PICARD: Shields...

[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.]

PICARD: Up, Data!

DATA: Aye, sir.

RIKER: All decks, damage report!

WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.

[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.]

DATA: Shields are now up, captain.

PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.

WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]

PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.

DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.

PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.

DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.

PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?

RIKER: I left them with Geordi.

LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them!

PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?

DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.

PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Abort!

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Well, fail, then!

DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.

[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.]

LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?

PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?

RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial control robots.

[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.]

PICARD: What's going on?

LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.

PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with them.

[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.]

FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?


Zašto je Janeway bolja od Picard-a

  1. One word: hair
  2. More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined.
  3. Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.
  4. Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.
  5. Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.
  6. Keeps her First Officer properly in the dark.
  7. Can speak "technobabble" with the best of them.
  8. Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship -- yet.
  9. Picard could never act like a prostitute to gain a tactical advantage.
  10. Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 1/2
  11. Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to admit they're lost and pull over for directions.
  12. Hasn't quoted Shakespeare -- yet.
  13. Looks better in sleepwear.
  14. Gives guilt trips that would make a Jewish mother proud.
  15. Isn't French with an English accent.
  16. "Take this cheese to sickbay!" I don't know why this is here, either, but I loved that line!
  17. Will give you two days off to ponder your lifeshattering experience.
  18. When Janeway lands her ship, it can take off again.
  19. Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying to convince them to behave better.
  20. To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly way. Picard sings a French...about a monk...who can't wake up for morning bells.
  21. The only child on Voyager is a cute little thing with horns.
  22. Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo.
  23. Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way through.
  24. She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way.
  25. Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles.
  26. Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of trying to weasle her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.
  27. 40 episodes without surrendering the ship.
  28. 40 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship.
  29. Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniouses who yet again take over the ship.
  30. She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.
  31. Janeway has never worn green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. However, if she did, she would look fantastic!
  32. Same level of sexual tension between Doctor and Captain.
  33. Has kids and they're cute little things.
  34. Never worries about meeting a son she never knew she had.
  35. Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a shirt; Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network television.
  36. Cheese
  37. Doesn't force her crew to wear awful outfits, unless it is to blend in with a primitive planet.
  38. She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.
  39. Her engineer does not wear a banana clip over her eyes.
  40. Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.
  41. Doesn't have a Counselor on board (thank God!).
  42. Her telepath only lives nine years.
  43. Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman) has gone before" and took them to the extreme.
  44. 45,000 light-years is one thing. Every point in the universe instantaneously? That's excessive!
  45. Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with "the deadliest of force."
  46. Janeway's holo-characters fall in love with her. Picard's holo-characters want to kill him.
  47. Janeway's Security Chief would never grow a ponytail.
  48. The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that only Worf could stomach.
  49. Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off.
  50. Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess Leia.
  51. Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Paris, are YOU ever stupid."
  52. Doesn't need her first officer's permission to blow up her ship.
  53. The highest field commision Picard ever gave out was "Acting Ensign."
  54. Cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese. I can't help myself!
  55. Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.
  56. Has a more manly voice.
  57. Doesn't have a starship that splits in half when it's in a tight spot.
  58. Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish!
  59. Had sex with a crewmember and "might have initiated it."
  60. Kes. Troi. No contest.
  61. Nealix. Replicator. Ok, this one's debatable.
  62. At least she doesn't have to yell "Hot!" at her cook every time she wants something to drink.
  63. Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles.
  64. Her CONN officer actually went through the Academy.
  65. Her CONN officer can use contractions.
  66. Her first officer has a halucinogenic device.
  67. Her Security Officer draws his phaser at the first hint of trouble. Picard's Security Officer gets beat up by half the aliens that come aboard.
  68. Her Security Officer would never drink prune juice.
  69. Hostile aliens surrounding her, half the crew are spies, the nearest help is 75 years away, and she's still kept the ship together.
  70. None of the crew members' relatives have ever tried to take over the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all humankind.
  71. To help her relax, Janeway's first officer helps her contact her spirit guide. Picard's first officer helps him get . . . to Risa.
  72. Riker never smiled at Picard that way.
  73. Q asked Janeway to run away with him and she refused. Q asked Picard's girlfriend to run away with him and she accepted.

A Christmass Trek

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the armory securely,
In hope that no alien would get up that early.

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt, and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face to face...

When out in the hall there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pant and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly "Deck One!"

The bridge red-alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.
When, what on the viewscreen, our eyes should behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.

But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name:

"It's Riker, It's Data, It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi, And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away! Float away! Float away all!"

As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up to the ceiling, our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the Hell is this, Q?!"

The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
As we took in our plight, and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.

Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again, to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
And Riker said, "Worf, take aim at this dunce!"

"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc" replied Q,
"I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with you."
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents and took a step back.

"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor, and dug into his pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:

"For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain.
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I've some mints, as his breath's not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date."

For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-plus;
For Data, a joke book, For Riker a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way."

And he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"



Biografija: Willhe Strikher

Home region: All-Lez, Alaska, Earth
Education: Starfeel Academy,

Commander Striker is the first cabin boy aboard the USS Genderprize 1701-Dcup under the command of Captain Dikhard. His mother died when he was two, after beating her, and was left to be raised by his abusive father Pyle Striker, who abandoned him when he was fifteen. An act which Striker held against his father.

 Willhe Striker graduated from Starfeel academy first in his class, by beating all the other students into subission.  Early on in his career, Striker was posted on Megahead where he became romantically involved with Deanna Troll. Willhe, a lieutenant at the time, chose a career over a long-term relationship with Deanna and so accepted a position on the USS Pottytrainer. He later was promoted to the executive officer position (commander) aboard the USS MyHood, under the command of Captain Robert DeSoto. Striker accepted a position on the Genderprize as first officer despite the opportunity to command the USS Fake.

 Some of  life's great opportunities have struck Striker many times. Such as the opportunity to posses Queer like powers, but Striker refused realizing that it was unsettling for his friends. Striker was one of  the fist officers to participate in the wife exchange program where he struck a deal with a white undershirt salesman aboard the IKC Pagh, a Peeon vessel. Opportunity knocked again for Striker when he was offered command of  the USS Airhed but he refused preferring to stay on the Genderprize. On one of  his many get-away missions Striker had a near brush with death when a jealous husband from Surata IV infected him with a virus that attached itself  to the nerves in his butt and made it's way to his brain, a short distance, threatening his life. Striker was once charged with the beating death of  his first wife on Tango IV but was released when a holodeck simulation proved that she had slipped on a banana peel, falling down the stairs, and accidentally impaling herself on the door knob accidentally, and had caused her own death. Willhe passed up his third opportunity to use a whip, but liked the natural feeling of  fist to face contact, during the Bored invasion. Soon after, he was given the field promotion to captain of  the Genderprize when the Bored captured Dikhard.



Biografija: Wart

Home region: Peeon Homeworld
Education: Starfeel Academy Graduate, with horrors
Marital status: single, he's got a huge wart on his forehead already!  

Wart is the son of  Mole. His natural parents died in a Humungan attack at the Kittylitter Outhouse soon after the alliance between the Generation X and the Peeon empire was formed. Then he was adopted by Sirgay and Helena Rozhenko. Sirgay was one of the Generation X's rescue team that arrived at the outhouse after the Humungan attack. Wart graduated from the Academy and was the first Peeon to enter Starfeel. Wart was assigned as zit control officer on board the Genderprize. He was promoted to Chief of  Skin Disease when the previous Chiefette, Nicefrom Far was killed. Later, when it was discovered that the outhouse was defiled, apparently by Mole. Under Peeon law, Wart had to carry the dishonor of  his father's stench. However, Wart learns that the real stinker was the head of the powerful Fumeass clan. Eventually, his outhouse priveliges are restored.

 Wart has a younger brother, Burned, and a foster brother, Nickonmyeye. He also has a son, Animaldander, from his mate K'car (a half-human, half-Peeon female who was later murdered by Fumeass). At the start of season four of  Deep Smoke 9, Wart is assigned to DS9 when the Peeon-Generation X alliance breaks down. Wart sides on the face of Generation X, and so Gowrong declares him a traitor to the Peeons once more.



Biografija: Uhuh

Home region: Swahili Land Somewhere
Education: Starfeel Academy Graduate twice, Once per breastesest
Marital status: single, remarkably, since NO is not in her vocabulary. Did you ever hear her say it?  

Uhuh served as one of  Ray Girls aboard the Genderprize on its original five-year mission, under the command of  James T. Jerk. It is not unusual to see her rewire or repair her own implants during a crisis.

 In Swahili the name of  Uhuh, translates to 'I Can't Say No,' and she speaks the teasing language fluently. She also has a beautiful swallowing like voice and was known to entertain members of the Genderprize crew, accompanying herself on the Tincan harpy. Uhuh has shown some romantic interest in Snotty, but it was never pursued. After her memory was wiped by the space probe Noman, using the Ecstasy Drug, Uhuh spent considerable time releasing the huge pieces of silicone the probe had destroyed.

 Uhuh served at Starfeel Command on Earth after the reassignment of the original Genderprize, where part of  her duty was to give lectures on Saying No. Prior to the Whittier peace conference, Uhuh returned to her former post at the request of Captain Jerk.


Biografija: Twobucks

Home region: Tincan
Education: Rearendi Academy, 2289-2293, Starfeel Class Accountant, Expelled for embezzlement
Marital status: married 2304, to T'Pel, Divorced 2305 for financial reasons  

Security chief and enforcer under Captain Kathryn Wrongway for unpaid loans. Earlier in his career Twobucks served on the U.S.S. Wy-oweme and was a bookie and numbers trainer at Starfeel Academy for 16 years before joining Wrongway's crew. In his youth he was an opponent of the Generation X - Peeon treaties but later came to see the wisdom of selling out to the highest bidder.

  In his personal life, Twobucks is a devoted penny pincher. Driving his wife into labor for 96 hours because he wouldn't pay for anestesia.



Biografija: Thomas Bareass

Education: Starfeel Academy Class Clown
Marital status: Single, but looking for a woman into talking butt jokes
Parents: Admiral Harry Bareass and Mrs. Pimply Bareass  

Bareass, born into a long line of distinguished Starfeel officers, had a troubled relationship with the average expectations of  his father. He managed to graduate from Starfeel Academy after a stormy four years of expulsions for mooning the faculty, and almost failing stellar fartography as a freshman. He did hone his natural aptitude for mooning, learning to drive a space ship with his butt hanging out the window.

  Despite his family legacy, Bareass unbuckled under his self-imposed pressures and tried to cover-up an error that caused the embarrassment of three officers; it was only his self-confession at the point he would have been butt slapped that netted him a flaming discharge. After leaving Starfeel he turned and bent over for The Mock, as a fly by his pants fighter pilot, but was captured by Starfeel on his first mission and this time was sentenced to a Penile Settlement, wearing only a butt covering detainment device.

  In later counseling, Bareass has revealed an unsatisfying relationship with women that has fostered rear end fixations, including a relationship with muchback women as an Academy freshman. He also has an affinity for the back seat of antique Earth ground vehicles and spring break mentality, especially of  the 20th century, and has enjoyed sailing butt naked in true life and in holo-programs.



Biografija: Snotty

Home region: Snort, North Dakota, Earth
Education: Starfeel Academy, Class Coke Dealer
Marital status: never married  

Schnott Knoze, known as "Snotty" as well as "the miracle mucus" to his long time comrades, was the chief druggist engineer aboard the original Genderprize and its successor craft. Bullish on his Flemmish ancestry, he wears ceremonial kleenexes with his dress uniform, plays the nose flute and is renowned for both his drugs and his spoon collection from all parts of the galaxy.

 Once calling himself "an old Acid wall-crawler," Snotty began active service in Starfeel midway through the Academy, and served on a total of  11 ships. Jerk's original Genderprize was his first posting as chief druggist , and his smelly feats more than once saved the starship.

 Snotty had bought a Columbian Island in anticipation of  his retirement three months after the Whitier peace conference, but Jerk persuaded him instead to come back to active duty. On hand for the ceremonial christening of the Genderprize-Bcup, he helped save the newly launched starship from destruction by the Sexes, witnessing Jerk's apparent celebrity carreer death in the process.

  He finally did retire at the age of  72, after 52 years in Starfeel. but for years was presumed lost en route to the Endorphin Colony, his new home. It was discovered that he was the only survivor of  the ship's crash on the exterior of a Tyson SphEAR, kept alive only as a transporter sneezingloop until, ironically, he was rescued by a get away mission from the Genderprize-Ccup. So disoriented that he thought the great Captain Jerk had come to off him. After trading barbs and quips with Chief Engineer Geordi TheForger and helping to save that Genderprize, he received a permanently "loaned" shuttlecraft, the Goditshard, from Captain Jean-Luc Dikhard and set off  to snort the galaxy.

 Although Snotty was never married, he became involved with a fellow crew member and stoolie until she was arrested. In later years Uhuh expressed an interest in romance, but they never got together seriously, due to the lack of  Uhuh's uhuh's.



Biografija: Phuck

Home region: Tincan
Education: Starfeel Academy
Marital status: Engaged to G-String, but killed Jerk off, and rescinded  

Phuck was born on Tincan to a humane mother and a Tincan father. His mother was a teacher and his father was an Ambassador named So Sarry. When Phuck began school at the age of  fourty, the taunting began. The other children would tease him and taunt him because of  his large size. Phuck was always getting into fights with the other boys, and seldom losing. When he was 41, he came home after a fight and was scolded by his father. Sarry told him that he would be very dissapointed if  he did not pass on the clap, a test of maturity that all Tincan children must do. So, Phuck set out on his own a month before he was suppossed to, to take the test by passing on the clap. A Tincan female, a large harpy-like creature with poisonious teeth and claws, attacked him but, his Penthouse Pet was there and defended him with sillycone abuse of  her own. Phuck's cousin also helped and Phuck was returned home safely. A month later, he passed his clap-on, and for Phuck, this meant he got his clap-off, making him a first time clapper. Not long after that, Phuck was bonded to G'String. Later, when he experienced the porn farr and returned to Tincan to be married, but Mary left. His fiancee G'String chose the marriage fee, in which she picked Captain Jerk to fight Phuck for her. Phuck won, but, after thinking that he had killed Jerk off, he handed G'String over to her lover, Stoned. Jerk was not limp though, it had just appeared that he was.

  Phuck graduated from the Academy when he was 89 years old. Five years later, he was transfered to the USS Genderprize. Sometime in the 24th century, Ambassador Sarry apologized and handed over the title of  Rear Ambassador to Phuck. At the age of 202, Sarry died. Phuck was on Humungus at the time and Captain Jean-Luc Dikhard, disguised as a Humungan, went to Humungus and informed Phuck of  his father's death. Phuck had been trying to spark the Humungans and the Tincans. He had hoped that they could become a warring race again. As far as anyone knows, he still resides on Humungus now.



Biografija: Major Diva

Home region: Somewhere on Pager
Education: Starfeel Academy Graduate but never accepted the call to graduation
Marital status: single, nobody will put up with her  

Major Diva is a former member of the Pagering socialite underground. She is now an outspoken critic of  the socially unaccepted on Pager. Having getting anything she wanted all her life, she was undoubtedly pissed off with the Lardassians when they invaded Pager, it has angered her to see the older leaders not bow to her petty whining. She has been trying without success to reach the Papparazzi of  Pager herself,  to air her grievances to anyone that will listen.

  So it is very possible she was sent by the devil to be the administrator of swelled egos at the spaced station simply to get her shrillspoken voice into earshot. Diva loathes everyone, and she committed atrocities against them in the name of vanity, some of  which try to kill her. But others in the Pagering socialite underground begin a new wave of self-indulgence and she is forced into a greedy quandary about tracking them down and bringing them to her parties. Some of  them consider her a ho or skank, behind her back.


Biografija: Lick De'Pol

Home region: Tincan subregion called Condensed
Education: Starfeel Academy Graduate with honors for extraordinary tongue and cheeck capabilities, and winner of  the "Taster's Choice Award"
Marital status: Married to 420 year old KISS singer "Gene Simmons" 

Second highest rank of  the ship, she mainly acts as a taste officer (due to her 6 inch tongue), but many times takes on the crew when Letcher isn't around. Lick De'Pol is a Tincan Sub-swallower who was living on Earth for awhile when she was assigned to the Genderprize as a taster on their first mission.  The Tincans refused to give any aide, including their massive alien pant poles, unless the Genderprize had a taster aboard. De'Pol was assigned to be this taster.

 Captain Letcher was unhappy to hear that he was going to have a Tincan around especially Licking De'Pol, whom he blames for holding him back from exploding for nearly a minute. She has been known to tease other crewmembers as well. Lick De'Pol was originally assigned to the Genderprize for 6 days, however after completing her first tasting mission, to take a Peeon courier named Klaap to her quarters, Letcher provided De'Pol an excuse to stay aboard as an aide to the unknown territory known as fellatio, they are about to enter.

 De'Pol's licking and teasing annoys everyone aboard the ship, but people are slowly beginning to thrust her and get used to her different mouth structure. De'Pol would like nothing better, than to returm home to her husband for some extreme french necking.